I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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