my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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