we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
