i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
