we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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