I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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