Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
