I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
