if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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