my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
