Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
