I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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