Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
