She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
