Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I can't put those talents on a resume
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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