just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
