I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
