I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
