Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
