This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
