so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
