she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
We are all done wearing pants today
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