Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
