im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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