My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
