What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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