sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
handjob tips. give me some.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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