I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
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