mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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