that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
