i dedicated my morning wood to you.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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