Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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