Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
