Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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