i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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