I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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