drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
