so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
