I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
