The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
