If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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