I want to walk on stilts...naked
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
