he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
