We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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