my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
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