I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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