If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
