you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
