White coat. Heels.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
