who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize