ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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